Yoruba people say “ko sore mo, a nta ma barin lo ku” which basically means there are no friends anymore, there are only people to hang out with. I just finished watching all the seasons of Sex and the City and presently in the middle of both the book and series of another work by the same writer “Candace Bushnell”- Lipstick Jungle. The very obvious undertone to both best selling books (Sex and the city was first a book) is friendship. In sex and the city, there is this friendship between four women who grow and experience life together. They become more than just friends, they become sisters. Every episode showed how they each grew in their individual ways but always managed to simulate into one big lesson. What struck me was that these four strong and independent women were dependent on themselves but not in an annoying way, they respected themselves and knew their differences and yet imbibed it into each other’s way of living. They somehow managed to accept and incorporate Samantha’s wild life and complement it with the high contrast of Charlotte’s conservative and traditional life which always seemed to go along with the feministic ways of Miranda and of course all this was under the umbrella of Carrie’s open-mindedness. They told tell each other every little, shameful, embarrassing detail of their lives. How is it that four very different women can harmonize into this beautiful life that glued people to their seats, week after week?
What I am about to say applies to both male and female, but I will refer to the female for the most part. ( get over it guys, we spend all of our lives being termed “man” for generalization- change is good sometimes).
It is naturally thought that to become friends, you all have to share almost if not everything in common. Well, I disagree. I believe that two people from different sides of the world or moral conduct can become friends as long as they understand each other. A darling once told me that a relationship only ends when one party stops trying and I think it also works in friendships. Unfortunately, I think that friendships now are about partying and gossiping. I say, any friendship based on gossiping about others is not good because one who gossips to you about another would gossip about you to another. Don’t get me wrong, gossips are needed in every friendship, of course, it’s what we women do (and men too- especially them, though they never admit it) but it shouldn’t be the basis of your friendship.
Whatever happened to the Sex and the City type friendship, where you tell each other every thing? How can you have a friend you cannot talk to about your problems? Whatever the reason might be, a friend you cannot confide in, is an acquaintance, a gist partner, not a friend! A true friend is the one who stands by you when you are down, and when you are celebrating; she pops the champagne for you. When you are doing something wrong, she stands beside you to whisper a warning into your ear not stand miles away to shout that warning so every one would hear that she is “being a good friend” and helping out. And if you do not listen to her, she does not say “I told you so” or “I warned her” when things go wrong, she is right there with a box of tissue. A true friend is the one who doesn’t wait for you to ask for her help, she offers the help and if you refuse it, she doesn’t stay away, NO, she gives it subtly without you realizing it. A true friend is the one you can tell about your father and his antics, your mother and her problems. The one you can trash your boyfriend to one minute and who would still help you dress up for a date with him the next with a big smile. A friend is one you can call at 3 am, crying or just to gist because you are bored. A friend is one who understands when you have to spend more time with someone else and less time with her and who will welcome you with open arms when you do come to spend time with her. A true friend knows when to cry with you or the time make you cry, laugh with you or when to make you laugh.
A true friend accepts who and what you are and finds a way to run with it. A true friend does not tolerate you, she accepts you. A true friend loves you BECAUSE of your faults not INSPITE of them. A friend will not try to use your weak points for her advantage. A true friend is the one who know the right buttons to push in order to manipulate you but would never push those buttons except in emergency. She is the one who would still run to comfort you in the middle of a fight with her. She is the one who would help you out even when you are not talking to each other. A friend is one who accepts your apology after a fight; a true friend is the one who acts like nothing ever even happened.
A true friend would first fight and vouch for you then come back and ask questions. She would trust your judgment and decisions and would be there to pick up the scattered pieces if she has to. True friendship is when your individual spouses feel like they are married to both you and your friends but at the same time are not drawn into the hole of your friendship. Big, Carrie’s on again-off again boyfriend in Sex and the City for example, had to be approved by all her friends and got along well with them but still had a life with Carrie that did not involve her friends in every matter. Your spouses should be like those extended members of the family that you only get to see on Sunday visits, Christmas day and so on. They are there, close but not “in your face” close.
No matter how hard life is, it pays when you know you have someone you can talk to, laugh with, cry with or gossip with. Some people never find true friends in life and some come close to finding them, but if you do, keep them and if you have a friend you are not sure of, then she probably isn’t true. There is nothing worse than the feeling you get when you feel like you do not have friends you can trust and share things with. But before you jump to question your friends, ask yourself if you are TRULY a true friend. So if you have the lipstick jungle and sex and the city type of friendship, please treasure it because that is not your friend, he or she is your family. Sometimes finding a soul mate or true love does not necessarily mean finding a life partner, husband or wife; it could be finding a true friend.
23.1.10
Who is to blame?
Recently I found out about the escapades of yet another cheating boyfriend and I got really frustrated, not just because he was cheating constantly (daily) and his girlfriend thought she had the best of boyfriends but because it seems that one cannot find one honest and faithful man anymore. In this new generation of ours, you cannot find one good African man, unlike before when there were at least a few good men. Now, it seems that the young eligible guys of this generation made a pact never to be faithful. No girl dating or married to a man of the 21st century can boast of having a man who has never cheated or whom she is not suspecting of cheating, except of course if the relationship is just three days old.(and that would only be because the man does not own a blackberry). It is so appalling that there is not one faithful male in the world today. Of course, there are different degrees and levels of cheating but I say, call a spade a spade; cheating is cheating.
From utter disgust and frustration, I decided to find out what it was that made the men so out of control in that instead of getting better over the ages, they get worse. My first thought was the all so common excuse; “It’s in their D.N.A”. If cheating flows in their blood streams, how come there are different degrees and why is it that SOME men of the previous generations were able to sustain faithfulness? I also tried to pin it on the “End times” or the fact that the ratio of women to men in the world is 100: 1 but none of these reasons, as reasonable as they might be, really satisfied my curiousity. So I decided that the only way I could come to a passable conclusion was to first analyze the situation of cheating men in our society today; why they cheat but most of all, how come they get away with it on a platter?
Having ignited my thoughts, I chose to analyze the relationship I just found out about. For this guy, not only is he cheating but he is also so confident that his girlfriend can never find out and even if she did, would never believe it. His tactic? Same as every other guy, tell her the situation of things with these girls but conveniently leaving out the fact that he is sleeping with them so that even if the girl finds out something about a girl, she pays no special attention because she had heard about that girl before from her ‘faithful’ partner. The thing, however, is that women have these intrinsic instincts concerning their men but they deliberately ignore it, either to promote trust or peace of mind.
It has been said that there are basic signs to identifying a cheating man but the truth is that there are no basic signs, just instincts that tug at the woman’s mind and lets her know something is up. But most times, she ignores it. This therefore means that the men are not as sleek and coded as they think they are. It just means that the women let them get away with it either on purpose or through blind trust which is basically stupid ignorance. So, if the men are not always successful in totally hiding their evil deeds, then why do they eventually get away with cheating? Even when they are caught, they still do get away with it. But just why do men get away with these things-because the women allow them! Which is why the rate of cheating men is directly equivalent to the rate of increase in desperate and ignorant, dependent women in the society.
As much as we hurt from the antics of our men, we women are the only reasons they continue to cheat. Tell a girlfriend that her boyfriend is cheating on her; she either stops talking to you or stays with the boyfriend even after confrontation. Even when caught red-handed, the man still manages to convince the willing girlfriend to stay. In the case of marriage, the woman is told by her family (women) that she has to bear the brunt in order to keep her family and children intact. It is considered natural to go through these things and excuses are even made for the husband, sometimes the woman is blamed for pushing her husband out of the house to another woman’s arms for solace and comfort. Whereas, in the same marriage, a woman is immediately chastised and thrown out if she cheats. The man conveniently forgets his children and family name and those same women who encouraged the wife to stay are quick to scold her, forgetting that she probably lacked some much needed attention from her husband. It is considered absurd if a woman complains of little sex or attention from her husband. In Africa, when a woman cheats, she has committed an abomination and is castigated but when a man cheats, he has fully come into manhood and is given a pat on the back.
Another side to the story is that of the girls with whom the man cheats. These are the girls who know that the men they are with have partners but still go ahead either just because they do not care or because due to some insane obsession, they hope for a divorce or breakup. In this scenario, the women are to be blamed again. Women have placed men on such high pedestals that they backstab and hurt themselves in order to get them. Drop a man this minute, no matter how ugly, poor, disrespectful or abusive he is and about two hundred girls are ready to take him just as he is. So how exactly is he supposed to learn from his mistakes? It is almost like the world is now a jungle full of desperate women that have to fight and kill themselves over the few men left in the wild. And for what exactly, Just to have a new surname? (Because quite frankly, I am yet to find a guy who is actually worth it)
You find women holding on to the men they have, just because “going to another man is like moving from frying pan to fire”, “ they are all the same, so why not hold on to the one you have managed to tame”, and the oh so famous “ the devil you know is better than the angel you do not know”. See, my problem with that theory is this, known or unknown, an angel beats the devil any day, light will always overshadow darkness either the source of the light is known or not.
So ladies, this is it. We are the cause of our own problems. We settle for less, allow these men continue with their antics and then come back to cry. Men are like babies, they want to do what you tell them not to and until they get a serious beating or get hurt, they will not stop. So, its either you “beat” that man that cheats on you or at least make sure he regrets it or continue to live in silence and backstabbing and make more monsters in the guise of the male specie.
I would have said if you can’t beat them join them but in the end, the men are more strict and would send you away the moment you cheat. But if we must suffer with these cheats, then we should be allowed to kiss a few other men at the very least and if you are married, well, there are other ways to tame your man. And for those girls out there with the sole purpose of grabbing other women’s men, my advice is if you can not get a man of your own, then become a lesbian.
But on a more serious note, my advice goes thus: we have heard the likes of Beyonce with “if I were a boy” , Ciara and a lot more women, Ladies, it is time to clean those tears, make your points known, stand your grounds and ironically, Be a Man! And as harsh as this may seem, trust your instincts, not your man!
From utter disgust and frustration, I decided to find out what it was that made the men so out of control in that instead of getting better over the ages, they get worse. My first thought was the all so common excuse; “It’s in their D.N.A”. If cheating flows in their blood streams, how come there are different degrees and why is it that SOME men of the previous generations were able to sustain faithfulness? I also tried to pin it on the “End times” or the fact that the ratio of women to men in the world is 100: 1 but none of these reasons, as reasonable as they might be, really satisfied my curiousity. So I decided that the only way I could come to a passable conclusion was to first analyze the situation of cheating men in our society today; why they cheat but most of all, how come they get away with it on a platter?
Having ignited my thoughts, I chose to analyze the relationship I just found out about. For this guy, not only is he cheating but he is also so confident that his girlfriend can never find out and even if she did, would never believe it. His tactic? Same as every other guy, tell her the situation of things with these girls but conveniently leaving out the fact that he is sleeping with them so that even if the girl finds out something about a girl, she pays no special attention because she had heard about that girl before from her ‘faithful’ partner. The thing, however, is that women have these intrinsic instincts concerning their men but they deliberately ignore it, either to promote trust or peace of mind.
It has been said that there are basic signs to identifying a cheating man but the truth is that there are no basic signs, just instincts that tug at the woman’s mind and lets her know something is up. But most times, she ignores it. This therefore means that the men are not as sleek and coded as they think they are. It just means that the women let them get away with it either on purpose or through blind trust which is basically stupid ignorance. So, if the men are not always successful in totally hiding their evil deeds, then why do they eventually get away with cheating? Even when they are caught, they still do get away with it. But just why do men get away with these things-because the women allow them! Which is why the rate of cheating men is directly equivalent to the rate of increase in desperate and ignorant, dependent women in the society.
As much as we hurt from the antics of our men, we women are the only reasons they continue to cheat. Tell a girlfriend that her boyfriend is cheating on her; she either stops talking to you or stays with the boyfriend even after confrontation. Even when caught red-handed, the man still manages to convince the willing girlfriend to stay. In the case of marriage, the woman is told by her family (women) that she has to bear the brunt in order to keep her family and children intact. It is considered natural to go through these things and excuses are even made for the husband, sometimes the woman is blamed for pushing her husband out of the house to another woman’s arms for solace and comfort. Whereas, in the same marriage, a woman is immediately chastised and thrown out if she cheats. The man conveniently forgets his children and family name and those same women who encouraged the wife to stay are quick to scold her, forgetting that she probably lacked some much needed attention from her husband. It is considered absurd if a woman complains of little sex or attention from her husband. In Africa, when a woman cheats, she has committed an abomination and is castigated but when a man cheats, he has fully come into manhood and is given a pat on the back.
Another side to the story is that of the girls with whom the man cheats. These are the girls who know that the men they are with have partners but still go ahead either just because they do not care or because due to some insane obsession, they hope for a divorce or breakup. In this scenario, the women are to be blamed again. Women have placed men on such high pedestals that they backstab and hurt themselves in order to get them. Drop a man this minute, no matter how ugly, poor, disrespectful or abusive he is and about two hundred girls are ready to take him just as he is. So how exactly is he supposed to learn from his mistakes? It is almost like the world is now a jungle full of desperate women that have to fight and kill themselves over the few men left in the wild. And for what exactly, Just to have a new surname? (Because quite frankly, I am yet to find a guy who is actually worth it)
You find women holding on to the men they have, just because “going to another man is like moving from frying pan to fire”, “ they are all the same, so why not hold on to the one you have managed to tame”, and the oh so famous “ the devil you know is better than the angel you do not know”. See, my problem with that theory is this, known or unknown, an angel beats the devil any day, light will always overshadow darkness either the source of the light is known or not.
So ladies, this is it. We are the cause of our own problems. We settle for less, allow these men continue with their antics and then come back to cry. Men are like babies, they want to do what you tell them not to and until they get a serious beating or get hurt, they will not stop. So, its either you “beat” that man that cheats on you or at least make sure he regrets it or continue to live in silence and backstabbing and make more monsters in the guise of the male specie.
I would have said if you can’t beat them join them but in the end, the men are more strict and would send you away the moment you cheat. But if we must suffer with these cheats, then we should be allowed to kiss a few other men at the very least and if you are married, well, there are other ways to tame your man. And for those girls out there with the sole purpose of grabbing other women’s men, my advice is if you can not get a man of your own, then become a lesbian.
But on a more serious note, my advice goes thus: we have heard the likes of Beyonce with “if I were a boy” , Ciara and a lot more women, Ladies, it is time to clean those tears, make your points known, stand your grounds and ironically, Be a Man! And as harsh as this may seem, trust your instincts, not your man!
BIG PAUSE
Happy New Year y’all! It is a new year and for me, a new chapter in my life has begun. How? My convocation was some days ago which I am now officially be fit to be called a graduate.
“What next?” While my whole family was planning my graduation party, this was one of the many questions that were going through my head. When I was a lot younger, I remember my parents being told that I was growing up too fast and that it would affect me later in life. At an age where others were in primary 4 or 5, I was in J. S 1. I finished secondary school at an age where my mates where in S.S 1. I was doing really well in school and I thought those people where chatting bullocks but now looking at the way things are, I am just beginning to think that maybe, just maybe they were right. Okay so I finished last year and my convocation is in a few days time. I am actually really through with school, my first degree at least. The funny thing is that in Secondary School, I was looking forward to the end of my 6 years but this time, I just wanted one more year to at least clear my head and decide what to do with my life. But unfortunately, I have no extra year, so basically, I am done and with good grades I might add. For the past four years, all the problems that came my way were easy to cross because I just buried myself in my studies. Not like I had no social life whatsoever, its just that it was nice to have something important to do when the world just seemed not to be able to stop throwing all those lemons. It was good to know that even though the weekend was bad and some things happened that made me feel bad about myself over the weekend, I could go to class on Monday, where things went just fine and I could regain my confidence in being able to do something right. Truth is, school was an escape route for me. When my family was being lead stars of fuji house of commotion and my boyfriend was being a jerk and my friends were being annoying, there was always a Logic or Marxist course that made me feel better. School was the only form of stability in my life. It was nothing like the continuous ups and downs of my relationship or subsequent fights with my friends or the disintegration of my family, or rocky status of my finance. It was different. My grades never failed, the lecturers never changed, the courses although different had a certain similarity to them. Basically, my classes were my therapy.
And now, all so soon, it is coming to an end. No place to run to when I needed to get away from parents or run from, away from friends. No freedom for night crawling, party hopping, “sleep overs”. In a matter of weeks, my four years reached a climax and still like the first day I entered the gates of the campus, my future was bleak and blurry. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. And all I wanted was one more year to be able to make something of my mumbled up mind but that wasn’t to happen. And on my final paper, I was both elated and demoralized. I felt like a child who, although had the maddest fun at the party, was being locked out for coming home late. Suddenly, after what seemed like a long time, four years ago, I felt like I had been thrown out in the cold and with not as much as a jacket.
I always thought that by the end of my University life, my life would be ordered. I had always thought that I would simply follow a sort of laid- out path created by the University. But now, I feel like I am being forced to grow up and make my own path. And to try the idea of living each day as it comes can not work because life is moving ahead and as the saying goes “time waits for no one.” My uncle asked me the other day what I planned to do now that I had graduated, and I had no tangible answer. The first thing I know is that I want to be rich and independent, (of course), the other thing is I want to write. But does writing make any thing in this country? I am not a novel writer or a script writer, or I don’t think I am, so how do I make it writing? I don’t even know if I want to work in an official office, like formal office or a more laid-back office? I am too interested in a lot of things that I do not have any particular specification.
Well at least there is youth service in February, right? Wrong!!! Apparently I have to wait till June for that. So now I have roughly six months to do something productive with myself. People, I need help!!! What do I do with myself? AARRGGHHH!!!!! It is actually true, education is not everything and it is not the beginning or end of your life. Sometimes, even, it can be quite useless in the path which one’s life would follow.
“What next?” While my whole family was planning my graduation party, this was one of the many questions that were going through my head. When I was a lot younger, I remember my parents being told that I was growing up too fast and that it would affect me later in life. At an age where others were in primary 4 or 5, I was in J. S 1. I finished secondary school at an age where my mates where in S.S 1. I was doing really well in school and I thought those people where chatting bullocks but now looking at the way things are, I am just beginning to think that maybe, just maybe they were right. Okay so I finished last year and my convocation is in a few days time. I am actually really through with school, my first degree at least. The funny thing is that in Secondary School, I was looking forward to the end of my 6 years but this time, I just wanted one more year to at least clear my head and decide what to do with my life. But unfortunately, I have no extra year, so basically, I am done and with good grades I might add. For the past four years, all the problems that came my way were easy to cross because I just buried myself in my studies. Not like I had no social life whatsoever, its just that it was nice to have something important to do when the world just seemed not to be able to stop throwing all those lemons. It was good to know that even though the weekend was bad and some things happened that made me feel bad about myself over the weekend, I could go to class on Monday, where things went just fine and I could regain my confidence in being able to do something right. Truth is, school was an escape route for me. When my family was being lead stars of fuji house of commotion and my boyfriend was being a jerk and my friends were being annoying, there was always a Logic or Marxist course that made me feel better. School was the only form of stability in my life. It was nothing like the continuous ups and downs of my relationship or subsequent fights with my friends or the disintegration of my family, or rocky status of my finance. It was different. My grades never failed, the lecturers never changed, the courses although different had a certain similarity to them. Basically, my classes were my therapy.
And now, all so soon, it is coming to an end. No place to run to when I needed to get away from parents or run from, away from friends. No freedom for night crawling, party hopping, “sleep overs”. In a matter of weeks, my four years reached a climax and still like the first day I entered the gates of the campus, my future was bleak and blurry. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. And all I wanted was one more year to be able to make something of my mumbled up mind but that wasn’t to happen. And on my final paper, I was both elated and demoralized. I felt like a child who, although had the maddest fun at the party, was being locked out for coming home late. Suddenly, after what seemed like a long time, four years ago, I felt like I had been thrown out in the cold and with not as much as a jacket.
I always thought that by the end of my University life, my life would be ordered. I had always thought that I would simply follow a sort of laid- out path created by the University. But now, I feel like I am being forced to grow up and make my own path. And to try the idea of living each day as it comes can not work because life is moving ahead and as the saying goes “time waits for no one.” My uncle asked me the other day what I planned to do now that I had graduated, and I had no tangible answer. The first thing I know is that I want to be rich and independent, (of course), the other thing is I want to write. But does writing make any thing in this country? I am not a novel writer or a script writer, or I don’t think I am, so how do I make it writing? I don’t even know if I want to work in an official office, like formal office or a more laid-back office? I am too interested in a lot of things that I do not have any particular specification.
Well at least there is youth service in February, right? Wrong!!! Apparently I have to wait till June for that. So now I have roughly six months to do something productive with myself. People, I need help!!! What do I do with myself? AARRGGHHH!!!!! It is actually true, education is not everything and it is not the beginning or end of your life. Sometimes, even, it can be quite useless in the path which one’s life would follow.
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